Posted by: Lister | June 2, 2007

Steve Wright

Some short quips from stand-up Steve Wright.

Right now I’m having deja vu and amnesia at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

“My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark ’til he was eight years old.”

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can’t tell…except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window…

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn’t do anything…so anytime I had nothing to do, I’d just flick that switch up and down…up and down…up and down….Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany…it just said, “Cut it out.”

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out… So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing…

For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running… [slow glance upward]

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said “Didn’t you see the stop sign.” I said “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, “Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?” I replied, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I’d call him I’d say C’mere Stay C’mere Stay and he’d go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He’s a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“When I was a child… We had a quick-sand box in the backyard…… I was an only child…….. eventually…..”

What’s another word for thesaurus?

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I’ve got some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

Today I………..No, that wasn’t me.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it…

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and………..ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…



  1. Two more from James Randi’s SWIFT newsletter:

    One night I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

    I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

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