Posted by: Lister | June 2, 2007

Steve Wright

Some short quips from stand-up Steve Wright.

Right now I’m having deja vu and amnesia at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

“My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark ’til he was eight years old.”

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can’t tell…except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window…

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn’t do anything…so anytime I had nothing to do, I’d just flick that switch up and down…up and down…up and down….Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany…it just said, “Cut it out.”

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out… So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing…

For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running… [slow glance upward]

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said “Didn’t you see the stop sign.” I said “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, “Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?” I replied, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I’d call him I’d say C’mere Stay C’mere Stay and he’d go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He’s a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“When I was a child… We had a quick-sand box in the backyard…… I was an only child…….. eventually…..”

What’s another word for thesaurus?

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I’ve got some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

Today I………..No, that wasn’t me.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it…

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and………..ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…

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Responses

  1. Two more from James Randi’s SWIFT newsletter:

    One night I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

    I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.


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